ARRANGING YOUR FUNERAL
Here is a short guide of the important things to consider when arranging a funeral.
* Funeral Director
This is where you should start, as most arrangements are made through a Funeral Director. You should always use one that is accredited by a professional association, such as the National Association of Funeral Directors (NAFD). This means they are regulated and have to adhere to strict codes of practice.
The Funeral Director will provide compassion and advice when a loved one passes away (including advising on registering the death) and will assist you in planning the funeral and laying them to rest.
* Funeral Notices
In a final sign of respect and love, a funeral notice or obituary can be placed in a local or national newspaper (depending on who the person is). It can say something that reflects the life of the deceased and explain when and where the funeral will take place.
* Casket / Coffin / Shroud
There is a huge variety of options regarding the type of casket or coffin you require, These range from a simple shroud to wicker and cardboard coffins and from the traditional wood to highly coloured and decorative coffins.
The Funeral Director will be able to assist with different options and choices.
* Flowers
Casket sprays and funeral crosses are usually picked by loved ones, allowing them to add their own personal touches to the service. Particular colours or types of flowers can be specified, such as an arrangement that says ‘mum’ or that matches the insignia of the deceased’s favourite football team.
In Service: For some services, mourners may bring flowers to lay by or on the coffin during or at the end of the service, whilst another idea would be to have a basket of individual flowers and allow mourners to select one to place at the coffin if they wish.
Alternatives: However, it is not necessary to have flowers and other options are available. For example, if the deceased was an ardent gardener who grew his own vegetable, a vegetable arrangement may be more fitting. For some, the preference may be to place objects of relevance (uniform, caps, medals, etc) rather than spend on flowers with a limited life if they weren’t relevant to the deceased or state that they intend give the money to the chosen charity.
* The Hearse and Other Forms Of Transport
This is one area where a really personal mark can be made and a reflection of the deceased’s previous work or sense of humour. The arrival of a coffin on a Motorbike and Sidecar, Tracked Armoured Vehicle, Milk Float or JCB bucket is very different whilst arriving in Del Boy Trotter’s yellow van would certainly raise a smile. Do discuss with your funeral director the options available.
The person in charge of arranging the funeral will decide who travels in the limousines behind the hearse and who will need to use their own car. A prepaid funeral plan could also dictate this, meaning loved ones won’t need to struggle with the decision, as they would be respecting the deceased’s wishes.
* Pall Bearers
Pall Bearers are generally provided by the Funeral Director and his team. However, there should be no reason why family members, friends and colleagues who may also wish to take part acting as Pall Bearers can’t do so. Depending on the coffin, this could be between 6 – 8 persons.
Discuss your wishes with the Funeral Director and the Celebrant who will be able to accommodate you and ensure you are properly briefed at the time. Each crematorium may have a slightly different procedure. Furthermore, there are the options between shoulder carriage, waist carriage using handles or trolley mounted and what needs to be done when laying the coffin onto the catafalque (coffin’s final resting place).
* Order of Service
This covers what will be included in the funeral and in what order they happen. It can be based on the personal preference of the family, the deceased themselves or it can be dictated by religious traditions.
Once decided on, a written Order of Service can be produced to give to the mourners both as a guide to the service and a keep-sake. This is not compulsory and the look and style can vary considerably. Mourners can have them produced either by the Funeral Director, the Celebrant or create them themselves either at home or via a number of online services.
Examples include: Graphic Design . My Lasting Words
* Clothing
Traditionally, mourners wear black to funerals, as this is seen as a sign of respect for the deceased. However, if the deceased has expressed something different in a Will or prepaid funeral plan, then loved ones can be asked to wear something out of the ordinary. For example, they may be asked to wear a specific colour, such as pink to support breast cancer awareness.
* Tributes and Eulogies
Tributes and eulogies provide loved ones an opportunity to express their feelings about the person they have lost. It can be something written by a renowned literary figure or something that the mourners themselves have crafted. It can be read by a loved one or by the person leading the service.
Eulogy: The aim of the Civil Funeral service is generally to ‘celebrate’ the life of the individual and the Eulogy is the opportunity to do so. Here, part of their life story can be told with facts and amusing anecdotes, contributed by family, friends and colleagues. It can provide conversation points to help lift the mood afterwards and those attending reminisce or discuss new found facts they didn’t know.
Tributes: These tend to be short personalised memories and anecdotes from an individual be that friend or colleague referring to their memories. Again, these can be read by the individual or the celebrant on their behalf.
* Poems & Readings
These are another way to express the feelings of family and friends about the deceased. They can be favourites of the deceased and or those left behind or ones found that express certain thoughts and emotions.
They can also be new poems, verse and readings created especially for the occasion by family members and friends, read by them or a representative during the funeral.
There can be several pieces during the service if fitting.
For additional ideas, visit: Poetry & Music
* Prayers & Hymns
For a Civil Ceremony, there is no requirement or reason to include hymns or prayers if the deceased or their families were not religious. Some people feel they should, but this is not the case. The ceremony is a celebration of the life of the deceased and should reflect their feelings.
If however there is a wish to include hymns and prayers, then the celebrant will be able to assist with choice and their order in the service. Music can be either live with an organist or played through the system with both music only or choral versions for most hymns available.
* Music
The music chosen should have a connection to the person that died or express how loved ones felt about the person they are saying goodbye to. Consequently, anything that reflects the life of the deceased or invokes happy memories be that classical, pop, rock or country and western can be ordered and played.
There is usually at least three music tracks:
* Entry:
… Piece of music played from the time the funeral cortege / pall bearers start to enter the chapel until all people are seated. The music is usually ……played for another 30 seconds or so depending on the piece and faded out, unless specifically requested to be played in full.
* Reflection:
… Generally after the final farewell and committal to allow mourners a short time of reflection / with their memories or to offer a personal prayer.
* Exit:
… Track to be played as people are leaving. Usually on a repeating loop until everyone has left.
However, this is purely a guideline and more or fewer pieces can be included along with traditional hymns if required.
Live: It may be that ‘live’ music pieces are also requested with either semi-professional or family members / colleagues wishing to play a piece themselves. This can be discussed with the celebrant and site staff.
For additional ideas, visit: Poetry & Music
Chapel Music System
Most crematoriums have a computerised music system based on either the Wesley Media or Obitus systems. The Funeral Director or Celebrant will book your choice of music in advance of the service and this will be played back on the day in the order required, controlled either by the Celebrant of the Chapel Manager.
Check Availability: For those chapels with the OBITUS system, you can search their library for available music. by track or artist.
Click on this link for Music Library. User password is Melody
Click on this link for Hymn Library
* Curtains
The decision to leave open or close the curtains can be a difficult one, but one that needs to be addressed before the service starts. The final decision can be down to traditional views or emotional reason.
Around the catafalque will be the curtains. All crematoriums will have at least one ‘heavy’ set which can be closed at the required time, usually during the tribute, by the Celebrant. Some Crematoriums will also have an inner curtain called a Voile – a thinner net style curtain which can be closed separately if required.
* Open:
…. Leaving the curtains open means the coffin remains in sight to the end. However, it does allows for symbolic gestures such as placing of flowers
…. during the ceremony or the end to happen.
…. Also, there are some who like the ability to be able to walk up to the coffin for a final touch before leaving at the end of the service.
* Voile Only
… .This is seen as not quite as ‘final’ as the full curtain, hiding the coffin in a gesture of farewell, but not closing it off entirely.
……This is seen as a ‘soft’ option for those who cannot bear the finality of a full closure.
Note: Not all chapels offer this as an option – check with your FD / Celebrant.
* Full Closure
…. This is where the heavy curtains are closed at the point of committal and is seen as being the final act of farewell.
* Picture Options
Pictures of the deceased and happy memories are a great addition to any service and can be accommodated in a number of ways. .
* Single Screen Image
… .Where the chapel has a wall media screen, a static individual picture can be shown throughout the service.
* Picture Slide Shows
…. Some crematorium chapels have the ability to play individual or picture slideshows and video clips via large screens within the chapel as part
… .of the service. These can be a great enhancement and reinforce the idea of celebrating life.
* Picture Music Tributes
…. Picture slideshows can be linked to play alongside a piece of music – starting and stopping with the music with the slides equally timed within.
……This works extremely well when linked to the Reflective Music in a service.
* Themed Slideshows
These add additional style and flair to the music tribute with a custom designed template to match the deceased’s interest.
* Static Pictures
… .Placing of pictures on or around the coffin at the start or during the service. Picture memory boards and compilations
* Symbolic Gestures
During the course of the ceremony, there may be a wish to have some sort of symbolic action. These should be discussed with both the Funeral Director and as importantly, the Celebrant as they will know what is permitted at each crematorium.
* Artefacts
… .Placing of artefacts on or around the coffin to be carried in with it or during the service – can include flags, caps, medals, trophies etc.
…. What happens to them after the service will need to be clarified.
* Candles
…. Lighting of candles during the service can provide an additional element to the service.
Note: – not all crematoriums permit this so check if live candles are permitted or artificial LED ones.
* Signing Coffins
… .A cardboard coffin lends itself to having the mourners go up to it during or at the end of the service and sign / leave personal
… .messages on the coffin sides. This is a lovely way of involving mourners in a final gesture of farewell.
* Laying Flowers
… .Mourners may wish to lay flowers on and around the coffin during or at the end of the service. A suggested time would be during the Reflective Music or another specific piece of music within the service. This allows those laying the flowers time to get up and down rather than at the end say with everyone behind waiting to leave.
* Absent Friends (Webcast & Record)
Unfortunately, not everyone who would like to attend might get to the service, especially if overseas. .
Many chapels now have the ability to live stream and record services to allow those absent or in far away places to participate and watch live. The service can also be made available for up to 28 days online for repeat viewing. Only those given the log in details and password by the NOK will be able to view.
Keepsakes of the service can also be available on disc or USB. Click here for details
Ask your Funeral Director or Celebrant for details.
* Reception / Wake
The reception or wake is an opportunity for friends and family to come together and mourn the deceased and also share happy memories. It’s a chance to remember them and celebrate the life they lived, while also allowing friends to pass on condolences to the family. It can happen in a pub, at home or in another location, depending on the wishes of loved ones or the deceased.
It can be catered, which could be a few sandwiches or a hot buffet, and a variety of drinks can be provided. You can decide whether or not alcohol will be served, depending on the atmosphere of the wake and the deceased’s wishes.
* Donation to Charity
Family and friends could be encouraged to make a donation to a charity that was close to the heart of the deceased, as this would be a nice legacy to leave in their name.
If no specific charity has been considered, the following are recommended and supported by myself and any donations are gratefully received:
* Shropshire, Staffordshire and Cheshire Blood Bikes
.
Many of the above are things could be taken care of beforehand in a prepaid funeral plan, taking away some of the responsibilities and decisions that will be placed on the family.